Let me set the scene: It’s 11:58 PM. I’m wearing my Lions hoodie (the one with suspicious nacho stains), frantically refreshing my browser to check NFC standings. And guess what? The Detroit Lions are 11-1. ELEVEN. AND. ONE. Are we in an alternate dimension? Did I astral project into a timeline where we win football games but pay for it in cosmic stress? Let’s dissect the madness together before my brain implodes.
1. “Step One: Cry Until Your Eyes Look Like a Sad Anime Character”
If you’re a Lions fan, you’re already familiar with this. Crying is our baseline emotion. Sure, they’re 11-1, but every single game feels like it’s won on the edge of a knife. Think Saw, but with footballs. For instance, did you see the Vikings game? The one where my blood pressure became a safety hazard?? I cried when we won, cried when I saw the remaining schedule, cried when my nachos ran out. Circle of life, baby.
2. When in Doubt: PANIC Like You’re Being Chased by the Actual Vikings
Do we know how to win gracefully? Absolutely not. Watching these games is like watching your uncle try to defuse a bomb on live TV with instructions in a language he doesn’t speak. For example, every single 4th-and-1 play is just Dan Campbell screaming, “WE GO FOR IT!” Meanwhile, I’m screaming, “DON’T GO FOR IT!” The duality of man.
3. Play Like You’re Being Hunted (Because You Are)
The Lions aren’t just the underdogs this season—they’re the overachieving gazelles who accidentally outran the lions (the animal ones). With the NFC playoff bracket looming, every team is looking at Detroit like, “Oh, you thought you were safe?” Eagles, Vikings, Packers—they’re all foaming at the mouth, and we’re over here limping through one of the hardest remaining schedules in the league. Pray for us.
4. Pretend You’re the Main Character (Even When You’re Not)
If being delusional was a stat, the Lions would lead the league. Every game starts with Jared Goff acting like Tom Brady in his prime, only to remind us by the second quarter that he’s, well, Jared Goff. Yet somehow, we’re pulling out these miraculous wins like it’s a rom-com script. Are we the underdog protagonist or the comic relief? Who knows!
Wait, Is This 5? “Invent Drama Where None Exists”
Oh, we love to make things harder than they need to be. Take the Packers game: should’ve been a blowout, but instead, it felt like watching someone juggle flaming swords over a pool of alligators. Why? Because Lions.
6. Win Like You’re Trying to Age Your Fans Prematurely
Each win feels like we’ve stolen it from the jaws of defeat. Like, physically reached into the jaws and said, “Nah, this is ours now.” And then promptly got bit in the process. Is this strategy? Luck? Black magic? I don’t know, but my therapist and cardiologist are both thriving.
7. Pretend Defense Isn’t a Thing Until It Absolutely Has to Be
You know that meme about doing a group project and only pulling through in the last 15 minutes? That’s the Lions’ defense. We’re giving up yards like Oprah handing out cars until—BAM—crunch time. Suddenly, the D-line becomes Thanos. “Fine. I’ll do it myself.”
8. Lean into the Chaos
Some teams have a methodical strategy. Others have chaos. The Lions? We’re chaos dressed up in Honolulu blue. One minute we’re leading by 20, the next we’re losing by three, and somehow it ends in a field goal that defies physics. It’s called vibes. Look it up.
9. Cry Again, Because Why Not?
Full circle, folks. Every Lions fan knows the post-game cry. It’s a mix of relief, existential dread, and wondering why we didn’t just pick a less stressful hobby, like competitive beekeeping.
10. Realize There’s No Secret—It’s Just Pain and Hope
At the end of the day, there’s no “secret” to the Lions’ success. It’s just a cocktail of hope, tears, caffeine, and yelling at your TV like the players can hear you. We’re not winning—we’re surviving.
So, there you have it. Cry, panic, repeat. That’s the Detroit Lions’ winning formula. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go cry about our Week 18 game against the Vikings. Seriously, who planned this schedule?? Anyway, don’t forget to check if my parking meter expired.
